At work we have a web page dedicated to posting funny quotes heard in the office

[Dangerousfish]

Here's some of them:

DaveA: "As one clever man once said..... YOLO"

Flick - on Kristians name: "It's inconvenient for my fingers...."

DaveA: "If I had a g-wagon, you know how they have 3 seats in the front? Well I'd have D A V across them..."
Gill and Liam: "Dav?"
DaveA: "....and then a small e"


Phil Hughes: "It's not a real penis"


Gill: "Dave just smacked himself in the face with a box of Cheerios"
DaveA: "I thought the box was smaller than it looked!"

Flick (to John when he found out what's at Kristian.com): "PLEASE don't send gay porn around work..."

DavidA: "I just shit myself cause I though there was a duck in my ear!"

Tom Jolley (on the new office): "there's loads of space, air is fresh and doesn't feel like it was circulated through a rhinos vagina..."

Drew: "I don't even like serial cables... they're my LEAST favourite type of connection!"

Gill: "How do you laugh in a disgusted manner?!"
Liam W: "Well what would you do if Tubgirl told a joke?!"
Gill: "Well she wouldn't, she's got her mouth full....."

Flick: "Imagine if your left hand was on the right and your right hand was on the left......"

There's about 10 pages more. Let me know if you'd like me to add some more ^_^

[Dangerousfish]

Gill (to Aitken): "You're not a professional, you drink Bovril!"


DaveAin his odd 4 lions voice) "Whatever bro, I only talk shit 'cause I sit next to you all day innit"
Gill: "Whatever, I educate you, I teach you about politics and geography INNIT bro. I taught you what the Sistine Chapel is."
DaveA: (still in that voice) "Yeah well...... I still think it's shit"


DaveA: "It might get a bit messy if I have to go for a piss on a space hopper!"


DaveA: "Do you think if you're like a 16 stone woman, they'd class you as a man?"


Gill: "This guy's databases are called blood and depression. Nice."
LiamW: "Why, what do they sell?!"
Flick: "Well not depression, who sells depression?"
Gill: "No-one, apart from the Daily Mail"


DaveA: "JOHN, will you stop talking about dead animals and rape when Gill's trying to eat.... it's not nice to hear!"


LiamW: "Yeah Dave, you call me fat, I'll call you an addict
DaveA: "I call you an addict....TO FOOOOOD"


DaveA (referring to the game, Risk): "Is it like a more violent version of Farmville?"


JohnM: "oh yeah, chow is in Berlin isn't he"
LiamW: "oh Berlin, as in Russia?"
JohnM: "haha!"
LiamW: "what, Berlin is in Russia, isn't it?"
JohnM: "no, Berlin is the capital of Germany!"
LiamW: "are you sure?"


JohnM: "If hex is 5, what is 6?"


Tom Jolley: "I'm fucked, Mike's just had me doing his 'special lower body work out'"


DaveA: (looking at a compass and pointing) “how do we live in the north west if the north west is that way?”

[Jimbob]

One of my favourites:

Me: We want you to quote for cleaning the car park including the lifts.
Cleaners: Do you want the lifts cleaned on every floor?
Me: ??????????????

JB

[Dangerousfish]

SarahT: "Is determining even a real word?"
DaveA: "It's determinating I would have thought"


DaveA: "I'd love to be American for a day, I'd just walk around talking to myself.... so I could hear myself"


Flick: "Oh I could cope with 12 inch..." (in reference to Subway)


DaveA: "You lazy shit, at least I take my teabags out..."


DaveA: "Did you know that in Wigan, there's a bus and you can go on it for free if you've got red hair...I don't know if it's a normal bus as well...it's called something to do with Red hair...." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Strawbe...us_operator%29


JosieR: "What do they call it when someone cool is playing? Is it a gig or a concert?".......Maybe it's a drum'n'bass recital!


JosieR: "It's like you get your Norfolk and Suffolk but where's your Effolk and Weffolk?!"


LiamW: "It's an illusion.... calories are an illusion..."


Flick: "Can you inhale calories?"

Flick - "It's just so perfectly salty, I could probably sit there and spoon it out of a tub...." (Lurpak)


JosieR: "I'll just lick it 'til it pops" Whilst holding a pomegranate...


LiamW: "At the end of the day, it all just comes back to Chows face...."


David A: "I will say one thing though.... always.doubt.the network team... it's usually their fault"


DaveA: "J.W'ing that's all...."
Flick: "J.W'ing?!"
DaveA: "Just wonderin'..."


JohnM: "I was just gonna spin you round in your chair!"
DaveA: "Well it's not happening, I'm not a toy!"


Flick: "Yeah I was sucking the coating off really fast..."


Chow: "You can configure a fucking Commvault server Dave but you can't make porridge?!"

[Dangerousfish]

Dave, the man in question:

http://www.mybrennan.co.uk/davetherave

[Dangerousfish]

Haven't updated this in a while:

Dane 'Wreckin Balls' Elwell: started to see if there was a sausage photography course or something equally weird
Dane 'Wreckin Balls' Elwell: however there were just a load of pictures of sausages
Dane 'Wreckin Balls' Elwell: now i'm hungry.

Dane 'Wreckin Balls' Elwell: release to github
Dane 'Wreckin Balls' Elwell: become famous
Dane 'Wreckin Balls' Elwell: Nobel prize, cuban cigars and bitches

Dane 'Wreckin Balls' Elwell: "Say goodbye to that lovely cervix!"

Dane 'Wreckin Balls' Elwell: I DON'T LIKE CHANGE

Dane 'Wreckin Balls' Elwell: "I've slapped yo hoes about, now you can put as much data in 'em as you want."

Dane 'Wreckin Balls' Elwell: I'm all for fire-and-forget

Dane 'Wreckin Balls' Elwell: want to see folkerd yapping on about his baba

Dane 'Wreckin Balls' Elwell: take what you want and squeeze a boob on the way out

Dane 'Wreckin Balls' Elwell: did some fucking about in between

Dane 'Wreckin Balls' Elwell: eating!
Dane 'Wreckin Balls' Elwell: (at my desk)
Dane 'Wreckin Balls' Elwell: (like a boss)

Dane 'Wreckin Balls' Elwell: i'm not a Novell Certified Linux Admin

Dane 'Wreckin Balls' Elwell: visit his house
Dane 'Wreckin Balls' Elwell: fuck his wife
Dane 'Wreckin Balls' Elwell: send him parts of your ear

Dane 'Wreckin Balls' Elwell: dogs and porcupines are much more fun to poke

< dane> which is why it's not popular here, we don't want to be seen to be getting closer to those sausage eating, garlic smelling, paella
scoffing Europeans
* dane spits and mumbles something vaguely racist

Dane 'Wreckin Balls' Elwell: air con sucked me dry

Dane 'Wreckin Balls' Elwell: unless the midgets are dressed like they're off to primary school?

Dane 'Wreckin Balls' Elwell: boy for life

Dane 'Wreckin Balls' Elwell: so you can demonstrate just how elastic your vagina is

Dane 'Wreckin Balls' Elwell: i am a cut and paste master

Dane 'Wreckin Balls' Elwell: donkeyoxygenpencilpalace

Dane 'Wreckin Balls' Elwell: i could have a whole bag of dongs!

Dane 'Wreckin Balls' Elwell: yeah, massage my port so it's open and receptive

Dane 'Wreckin Balls' Elwell: deep inside each of us is a little homosexual trying to get out

Dane: For 10k a time I'd shit in his kids mouth

Dane: I'd tap after two fingers
the first one is normally playful, but after that you're getting serious

Dane: for $2.5 billion I'd suck a lot of dick.
A lot.

Dane 'Wreckin Balls' Elwell: meh, they say organ meat is good for you

Dane 'Wreckin Balls' Elwell: I like penis, in and around my mouth

Dane: i was thinking more along the lines of a robot and/or a human with extensive cybernetic implants who is missing limbs.
being either the pounder or the poundee

Dane: james, cut off your leg
i'll work on the cyber enhancements

Dane: sarge, furnish us with the fapping man

Dane: My penis is currently nestled between my lungs

[Dangerousfish]

Bumping this as there's been a few new additions, not just from work..

WTF: "What's that thing that kings wear on their heads called? A king hat?..."

WTF: After driving past a sign advertising 'Free Range Eggs', "What's a 'range egg'?"

[lfcrule1972]

Love WTF